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Can I post my musings here, my wandering, 8:30 a.m. thoughts? They don't come at this "late" hour of 9:30 p.m., but I'll transcribe them for the sake of relating my current state, dear readers.

A brush with Knoxville bicyclists this July 4 reminded me of RADICAL, beautiful beings that collect there. Now if only I could find honest work in Knoxville. To write freely and to travel — that is a goal of mine. Travel ranks pretty high up there, too, as does literary adventures. Not an assessment, pre se, but more of a reflection. Holding mirrors up to ourselves to see things we may not always want to see, as the company's personality test consultant told me last week. Yes, I had a personality assessment last week. I won't lie — it fueld a lot of reflection.

How do I get this traveling outfit together? I guess I'll need a car soon, or at least while I'm working in this job. And room for my bike — maybe a roof rack. Something reliable that needs little service and can otherwise optimize my freedom to roam. I am going to go beyond what is expected of me, and beyond what I expect of myself. These growing pains, these changes are so beautiful.

In some ways, I feel like my personality test results set me up for big things and bigger ideas.

So while I'm here, I want to become a collector:

a collector of words, stories, ideas, good writing, better boks, marketing ideas or other profitable outlets, love notes, fonts, color schemes, inspiration, a good savings account balance, and definite travel agendas.

I want to observe, to drink in the South and keep learning how to better describe places with feelings. How do I tap those emotions in others? That compelling piece? How do I grab the essence?

It is one thing to be a wordsmith; but it is far different to use the skills of a wordsmith and expand them to a breathtaking work of art. I want to instill in those around me the sense of homliness that has been instilled in me. Like my ecclectic, powerful, independent female friends and family members who NEVER cease to amaze me, the random encounters with soulful strangers, good tippers and great kissers....

I like music because it is an escape. Live, a full-body experience that overwhelms my senses and my ears. Then I dance, I sing, I jump, I shout. I don't like to read as much as I like to write, or should like to read, so who says I'll produce books? Articles may be more fitting.

I have so much to learn.

Musicians are interesting when they master their craft and when they embody the spirit of their work; it's becoming of them, and should be. These days I write something soulless that may influence someone down the road, or so I was told. How can I fine tune my low-challenge thinking to train myself to want more, to read more, to write more? And to exercise till I'm happy? Can't I substitute sensual desires for geeky skills, just for a year, and channel sexual energy into exercise? Why not?

Because I would overlook the beauty in how men and women—women and women, men and men, every combination—how PEOPLE interact. How we flirt, exhibit power struggles, fights. What makes me group of lady friends so perfect, so well matched and special? What grounds my sense of place, and from where does my sadness come? I'm begining to see that it comes from a blurred vision of my self—my definition of self.

LAURA JANE is a name. My body, my beer belly and freedom thighs, they are merely a vessel; my blue eyes merely a window, a channel for surveying the world; my body allows me an avenur to experience the world.

but me, my SELF. My self wants people to smile and feel better; my self wants to reconnect our habits with our bodies and consciousness, to close the loop and find the right peace of mind. My self wants big picture thinking, a world full of sensations and beauty. My self likes reality with a healthy dose of idealism.

My Self needs creative, established, achievable goals.

And me, my SELF, Laura Jane, needs to set them. I need a sense of worldly adventure on at least a biannual basis. I need change, and I need grounded, somewhat conservative means for getting there. I need assurance. I need to recognize that these NEEDS will only be met by ME and my self.