unstoppable

For some reason I see my newspaper job as the BARRIER that keeps me from voicing my opinions publicly and LOUDLY. Ironic that the media silences me like a blanket. Expect letters to the editor, from a distance, about the coal ash spill...why doesn't my paper ask for outside opinions on the spill? This is HUGE.

This excitement and enthusiasm is my essence; it is time for me to exert it, effectively and with force, where ever I go.

THAT IS MY DRIVE. That is who I am.

And now, a word from Simone de Beauvoir's "America Day by Day:"

"...I notice that all the intellectuals I know talk in an animated way and discuss things passionately whenever they're given the chance. American muteness is certainly not an innate choice, but the result of numerous complexes: it is reinforced in everyone by the silence of all the others. Many people are happy when they can escape from it, and then they willingly let themselves go. Another observation seems important: L.W.'s satiric truculence is exceptional, but this critical attitude is familiar to me -- it's common to all my American friends. Yet one shouldn't be misled: there is a tradition of self-criticism in America, as there was not long ago in France. And the people who speak most harshly of the country here are not those who are least attached to it. ... The Americans who attack a certain moral, political and economic position are showing that they insist on a destiny worthy of this great land where they are citizens; their demands and their lucidity are the highest forms of love. ... To label as anti-American books, films and statements that imbue Jefferson's ideal with a living reality -- that is to mutilate America. The day America is forbidden to question itself, America will be no different from the totalitarian regimes it claims to oppose."

Best Breath

Unmet affection, an unguided guise, un un un done.

It wears on me, it shows on my face. It hit me on my bike, I was yelling about IT at the intersection of Henley and Clinch, waiting for the light. Slowing down, going uphill. Who am I kidding?

Cause Laura Jane, I'm not falling for your jokes today.

Keep movin forward, I suppose, lady, and remember what YOU want.

Thanks to the folks at United Mountain Defense

Just in case you were curious...

/rant

Working in the news industry makes me sick.

S-I-C-K.

And it's a seemingly accurate prediction for our culture, if you ask me. The day my well-established daily publishes a photo NOT for their monetary benefit, NOT to court readers or online commenters, I will claim this a journalistic endeavor. BUT NO. Some journalists happen to work here. We also happen to have loads of reporters who PRETEND to write a fair story, but who are really more concerned about making it a SLANTED, SENSATIONALIST few shitted-out inches to take up space on A1!

Honestly, living with my sister and learning a little more about laws, the judicial system, enforcement, penalties, etc., has changed many of my viewpoints on stories we run and SLANTS the paper takes. Her legal experience has opened my eyes to the holes and gaps many stories leave. We remove the humans from the most human of stories. It is insulting.

Though after taking a step back, I know I will miss "my" paper and only speaking of it with loving praise. Or grumble about it when I realize life is better when I don't work for a newspaper-selling company. Maybe not working here (or anywhere!) will serve as encouragement to continue my own journalistic efforts, and my ideals of treating more people with the fairness and respect they deserve, not by being upstanding citizens or anything, but just for being ALIVE.

So, I guess, just for the record and the raving rants:
NO, KNS, I DO NOT SEE IT APPROPRIATE to pair a picture of said mother being CUFFED on the jump page about the year's top stories. It is more relevant that her screw-ball husband practically didn't serve time for shooting and killing some motherfucker! Put a photo of that on the jump, not some woman who is going to be lambasted till she dies!!!!! Why not call more attention to the horrendous environmental disaster in Harriman!? Maybe that will encourage people to LOG OFF YOUR WEBSITE and save energy and stop leaving stupid comments about the story we deemed the "loooove triangle?!"

I would love to say this is a Southern phenomena -- local newspaper and rednecks team up to ruin subject's life -- but I'm sure it exists in idealist land/Portland, too.

... we shall see. 31 days and counting, though I get to QUIT TWO JOBS about a week before that. My brain needs a healthy dose of unemployment. So does my body.

no sleep

Being with my family is amazing. Truly amazing.

I am always awestruck at the conversations and interactions that happen in such a short period of time. And they have such great emotional IMPACT, the encounters seem to mean so much...

till I step back for an hour or two and remind myself that everyday life isn't always like this. These emotions are buzzing with such high frequency as to buzz me right out of my shoes and seat. Laying in bed in my parent's house is feeling surreal, too. I feel like I should be in my home now. But this is where I'm FROM. These folks gave BIRTH to me...

buzzing thoughts as all the lights buzz out in the house.

Haaaahahaha..

The cookies also are a nice touch for the holidays. I really, really enjoy cookies. They might possibly be my favorite desert. Not as rich and creamy as cupcakes, but a high-impact desert. Perfect consistency, great for dipping in drinks and easy to carry around or balance on the top of my coffee.

WHAT?!?! The Mercury is hiring a news editor? Jesus christ, I can't rest a fucking minute. I gotta get that reusme up and runnin' and out the door... like, tomorrow! Even if it means I'm doing more grunt work at some lowly publication. I'm doin it!

Goddamn that TVA

J.Miles Cary/News Sentinel

Chills are prickling my skin.

This earth is not ours to waste.

Two Years Comin'

One holiday party for a friend skippin' town, two piles of stuff to get rid of by the end of 2008 and an empty refrigerator.

Eggs, spinach and tortillas stared back at me before work today as I scurried around to prepare for gift giving this evening. Excuse me, the evening has passed - it is night, oh night, darkness run AWAY, sweep in the spring time and more seconds, minutes, hours of light!

Festive parties, attitudes, cookies and drinks put me in mood, dude, for holiday lovin' from friends and the folks. I'm headed to Chatty to see the whole fam, giving them some sentimental things, doing the best I can. For obsession with cash flow consumed me all year, I find it hard to consume anything other than beer (whiskey).

Stupid rhymes, excellent gifts!!!, ridiculously late nights and fights, making up and living through the most chaotic time of year. Incomplete sentences...

complete me.

Maybe one day I can string them together
more appropriately.

stormy and hot

Christmas cheer came raining down last night despite my earlier convictions that Xmas tunes were the death of me. Wendy, Nikki, Ellie, Brooks, Caitlin, Janna and myself ate cookies, drank delicious egg nog 'n whiskey drinks and decorated the tree till we crashed. It was a beautiful occassion; the closest I've felt to 'home for the holidays' in what must be a few years.

The house was warm, the dogs dozed on the couch, rain sprinkled through the warm, humid evening.

There has been some sort of chaos recently, a combination of the warm weather and holidays and folks leaving town, that is indescribable. Combine that with Ms. Nikki's Christmas Day departure, and we've got a damn hurricane a-brewin.

A mere 10 days remain at the 9-5, and I've been coverin shifts at the paper since the little lady friend has been sick. Soon it will be 12 weeks workin, and the weeks remaining till blast off whittle down with each passing minute. As I was talking to Janna last night, the closer I get to leaving what has become home, the less it feels like "escaping" and the more it feels like ...

I can't even finish that. The chaotic feelings are hard to describe.

LJ gets Goofy!

Today's tasks at the 9-5 have me tensing up with giggles, trying to stifle full-out laughter at these Halloween crafting projects. HI LAR EE OUS.

The much-anticipated/forgotten holiday bike ride probably won't be a go for me, as it's still raining outside and looking quite miserable. Hmph. I would rather exercise, stay dry and bake cookies with the ladies tonight. mmm. This is cookie overload season, too.

And to the dearie who usually allows me to listen to his/her amaaaazing music collection on iTunes.... GODDAMN YOU for posting JUST holiday music! It annoys the shit out of me, espeeeecially when I have to read fucking FALL stories all day! Totally doesn't put me in the right mood today, which is why I'm bypassing your selections for some Beck, Daft Punk and RJD2. HAH! Take that!

...like he/she knows me, like he/she cares....

Big yawns and hazy eyes, chilly fingers and discarded lies...

Solstice is creeping up on me, just like the end of 2008. I mentally marked my first year post-undergrad as some friends walked across the stage Saturday morning. No, of course I didn't go, but I did celebrate with beverages later that day. The weekend was a blur, I think, too much stuff crammed into very few days. Typical, though. I always try to hit the ground running Friday after work and end up falling asleep by midnight.

Feelin more confident about my move than I have in awhile. Busy, happy at work, when I'm at the paper. We had a HILARIOUS story last night about the property taxes the company owes. I wanted to put a humdinger of a headline on it, but noooo, we like to deceive readers. Why tell them the truth when we can cover up lies?

Fell asleep at Wendy's after watching Lars and the Real Girl, a faaabulous movie. I've been dreaming of snow in PDX, uprooting and uplifting sentiments.

resiliency amazes me

Hazy days, crazy ways, lazy plays.

My chocolate-powder covered fingers leave dust marks on my new-ish keyboard. As the door opens a draft of cigarette smoke blows in, tickling my nose just so. I don't think I'm awake yet after waking multiple times this morning. I really, really love waking up. I love talking about waking up, which is probably apparent in most of my posts.

After lots of big talk about biking around town last night I fell asleep with the lights, book splayed open next to my tray with tea on it. Smooth, Lady Jane, real smooth. Wendy left for the beach this morning, and she is OFFICIALLY finished with law school!!! My sister is a doctor of jurisprudence! Haaahahahaha...I'm so proud of her for strickin it out.

Feelings of lonliness have been lingering this week, but it came down to me sticking to my guns. I'm not going to settle, for anyone or anything, no matter how far away it is, no matter how close it may seem. Bitter spats on the innarweb left a nasty taste in my mouth and left a nasty bite in my comments. Distance is hard, but no harder than hunkering down and keeping myself warm...

I'm leaving in just over six weeks. Holy fucking shit.


AAAAhahahahhahaha!!!!

Would you really rush out

Days like today leave me feeling like I've fallen flat on my face.

WHAM.

Down she goes...

I did dance my butt off last night, which probably had lots to do with it. I'm tired, mildly grouchy, and I guess whiny on top of that. So when you get online and whine to me about shit you caused, and the shit you had to deal with this morning, without for a second asking how I am, NO, I do not want to fucking listen.

I want to go home, get in my bed, turn on some tunes and read till I fall asleep. Then wake up, make delicious dinner and relax some more.

Cause I deserve it.

SHIT. I'm moving so, so, so very soon. I get doubts about that, all the time. Today is rough. I'll take my complaints elsewhere. To my lonely, cold house. harumph.

coffee addict

Last night I couldn't shake the thought that my 9-5 is absolutely meaningless. This job means nothing in the grand scheme of things....of anything.

And I will be a very jaded soul if I continue my life in this particular vein of "work."

I've been struggling with that word a lot these days as I watch the semblance of my "life" crumble to a big messy pile of what happens when I'm not "at work." Going out to dinner, a drink here and there, catching up with friends, never cleaning. This can't go on forever.

I'm on the fence, back and forth. By the end of January, I'll have kept up these goddamn 50-hour workweeks for nearly four months. That's a third of a year. I can't imagine working a job like this for years...and adding up how much of your life was spent in a high-walled cubicle, staring at a computer, communicating electronically, so you can put food on the table and pay rent or mortgage that month.

There is life beyond websites and redesign and home decorating. There are substantial, heartfelt ENCOUNTERS, EXPERIENCES, everyday EVENTS that matter. I know this! I know because I used to take part in it.

It's awful to ponder, especially on dark, cold December nights.

I think I need to find a new line of work. I need to give more.

roses

I'm rebalancing.

I'm happier than I have been in two solid months.

And I am no longer a full-time worker at the 9-5, thank fucking god.

True, I'm still going at it (?) 7 days a week, but sleeping late, scampering around town, going out to lunch and seeing friends takes precedence for four out of seven days. That's pretty good to me.

I blissfully sort my things, repacking, organizing, choosing what will come and what will stay, repurposing some for gifts (wonderful gifts, might I add!). It's coming -- my final departure from Knoxville, my eventual arrival to the west coast, to Oregon! Ooooh new beginnings.