whiskey in my whiskey

Taking the world by storm!!

Hahaaaa!!

The Felice Bros. knocked my socks off last night. By far one of the most enjoyable shows I have been to in months.

fluffy!

Locked and ready, captain.

But I'm the captain! Hah!

Also: I'm a new hire at the temp job I was dreaming of, and for which I interviewed this morning! Woohoo! My lax, luxurious(ly broke) lifestyle will end on Monday, then. I'll be working 40 hours a week at said full-time temp job and working as many hours as my body/mind will let me at the Sentinel.

THAT is how I'm going to play in Oregon in February, hopefully with marginal employment, preferably NO employment, and sketchy housing details. Yes, yes. I want to hike lots, take pictures and train rides. I want to spread my wings and give the Northwest my energy and love...

If I don't look forward to something, and only see leaving as escaping, I won't be happy there. That's what the planning will start now. This is step one, stuffing my savings account full of CASH, having less time to loaf around in coffee shops and on my bike, like I'm doing currently, and put my mind to something.

Ironically, I believe a lot of my new position will involve tagging things. I wasn't positive what the term meant, although I've done tagging (you know that shit at the bottom of a post) since...god, my first blog on livejournal maybe? Lots of reading home and garden stories, editing and TAGGING. Hah! They can pay me money to do that. It also feels like a wedge at the paper. While I looove love love the folks there and the environment, I can't survive off those wages alone. And without a full-time or nearly full-time schedule, I've been struggling with undue stress and negativity in my home.

Sigh. SO THAT IS OVER!!!!!!

After work tonight, the FELICE BROTHERS are playing at Barley's! I can't wait! And I'm going to PLAY all week looong and celebrate not having a 9-5 job for the last few days I have! True, my employment stint will only last till December, but still. Two months of work...can be intense. I'M READY. Take me noooooow....

Finding the Insides

You scare me a little bit.

Just when I get to the point of feeling totally free, I CARE about you all of a sudden. But you live very, very far away. And Internet conversations only communicate our harsh comments, our sparred jokes, our shared laughs. There is no tenderness. Sarcasm is difficult to consistently portray through instant messages.

Maybe it's worry, rather. Sometimes I think I can never aim high enough, as if I'll always settle for that relationship.

And that scares me. I don't even know you. I'm tired, my head is pounding, and often I'm confused about you. About ... "us." God, I didn't even want to say that. I want to call you. I'm going to.

****
One transfer later and I'm regaining my calm, my warmth. It comes from within and from my heart. It's a BEAUTIFUL day outside, and I have nothing to worry about. I know everything I need to land this interview tomorrow, and I'm confident it will go well. I'm going to map it all out at home, print out my resumes and try on my SUIT!! Eeehehehehe! Tomorrow is going to be exciting.

May I be free from emnity and danger
May I have physical happiness
May I have mental happiness
May I have ease of well-being.

****
You may haunt me still, but speaking with you only reminds me of my independence. My freedom does not hinder on my relationship with you, however we choose to define it.

bragrrrrgh

Silly: Are you a jamband fan?

Me: hahaha..there's a Palin syrah from chile. highly unpopular according to a wine store in Berkeley.
Silly: I'd drink it. Preferrably in a hot tub with Mizz Alaska

Me: i enjoy dancing to jambands, yes. don't really listen to them otherwise.

gross. fuck "mizz alaska."
Silly: Don't be jealous of the love I share with Sarah. Its pure. We have so much to talk about. I call her my little mooseknuckle

Me: and i bet you're floored by her impressive vocabulary and can't wait to have her crankin out more kids.

Silly: You're no fun

That's right, I am no fun. Especially not this close to the election, when jokes about the attractiveness of a vice presidential candidate could seep into the minds of ignorant voters. Not saying my silly friend is ignorant, but others hearing that might be influenced. I don't even know if he's registered to vote. Should this MIZZ ALASKA, the dumbwit she is, be ELECTED come November, I can wave bye-bye to my reproductive rights, among other things!!!

Ahhhh..I seem to take jokes like that way too seriously because I'm very, very concerned about the future of Americans. And I happen to be one of them. And I DON'T KNOW what's going to happen should McPain get elected. Riots, fire, mass destruction, people moving, countries being bombed.

The evening is young, so young. I somehow made it out of bed for the neighborhood bike ride, which was VERY fun! I love riding around in packs, although the Freedom Thighs ride was so much more energetic. I like biking for a purpose.

bleary wonder

Sitting in the crunchy capital of the Southeast with bleary eyes, this time not caused by my lovely plant but instead emotional wreckage from this morning. I'm finally feeling a bit more hydrated, if not totally stable, but I'm a good two-hour drive and big mountain range away from those worries right now. And from what I can tell, there will be quite a bit of avoidance around the house. No Chancery Court for me, crazy woman!!!

A giant fly seemed to get stuck in the goop in my kombucha. How dissapointing. Is that my karmic retribution for sitting at Greenlife? HAH. I think I would be having more fun if I could actually see...maybe the G has some sort of remedy that my Renu drops can't offer me.

Other than that, I'm taking to the streets.

Outta here

That's it. I'm done.

My roommate and I just had a fist fight over, essentially, a utilities bill. Of course the argument ran much deeper than that. From my perspective, she's really jealous that I work so little. And damn near all of the time I can pay my bills on time. This month, due to unforseen circumstances (i.e. not getting paid as I should have), I couldn't pay KUB on time. She offered to do so to help me out. This agreement went south, as her "favors" typically do, and ended, of course, in a brawl.

Though I am MUCH stronger than I used to be... when I went back in her room to tackle her, I ended up being choked and pinned to the ground. I eventually got her off my back, but I think I'll have bruises from that one. She'll have some bite marks, too.

I can't live like this. Her tension and pressure to get a second job seeps into my dreams. I actually had a dream the other night that she was beating me up, pestering me on end as my sage-like friends looked down on us, as if she and I were unable to see beyond our problems. This is very, very true. I can't tolerate hearing her sisterly gripes though and share adult responsibilites when she doesn't abide by her own "fair share" policy. It's just not working. I don't know how to get out of it, either. Our lease isn't up until February. There is no way I can afford to move out now. She threatens "Suing Me In Chancery Court" for the remaining lease money. Yeah.

There is nothing holding me in Knoxville. Except this goddamned lease. I've considered talking to my Dad about taking out a loan so I can get out of here. Rent is not really a desirable thing to owe money on though. Once again financial worries have my conscious mind and body distressed. My boss has still not properly compensated me for the hours I worked in August. This only adds stress.

THERE IS SO MUCH MORE THAN MONEY, UTILITIES, RENT.

day(s) past

I am preparing myself for something wildly uncomfortable, hugely unusual and totally new. I haven't seen it yet, and I'm not even sure what it's related to, but I'm starting to feel it in my heart. There's a calm there that I have been building on, working toward, since the moment of my birth.

(Another train whistle, more clinking tracks. Open doors on empty cars, graffiti-laden sides. I wonder where they've been.)

This something, this feeling is autonomous, and generated WITHIN. It doesn't have a voice, yet, or I don't know how to hear the voice. It will help other people give love and be in more touch with their hearts.

My heart feels open, peaceful, ready, receptive. Financial worries do not matter. Continued nourishment of my bosy, healthy connections with individuals, literary enlightenment...is a big priority. Write daily. Bless those around me, for I am so blessed to have them in my life. Don't be so preoccupied with the little argument and disagreements, like those I have with my sister. We lose sight of the bigger picture, or higher thinking, OUR GREATER GOOD, when we do that. The image of Ashley with a furrowed brow in my dream, as she spoke with the gypsy and watched W and I bicker, is symbollic of my day to day life. I couldn't read more of the heart meditation book without first feeling my own heart. It's rhythm is the single most beautiful force about me. My heart is my life force, pumping life blood, giving birth to my breath, and in turn, my thoughts and feelings and opinions of everything around me.

My heart is why I like the changing seasons, the river, sunny afternoons.

equinox

Never thought I would make the switch from cheap, delicious margaritas across the Square to the Pub, where I'm sipping on too much whiskey. But it's good, and the people are better. I needed some sort of familiar interaction this afternoon. I've been craving it.

One of my writing mentors is sitting outside squinting into the sun. He was speaking with some dude in a Dead shirt, who is talking and talking and talking. I couldn't tell the nature of the conversation, or I would have interrupted them outright. I seek Dave's advice, especially with the potential writing opportunities. And what the fuck was that guy thinking when he walked to the bar with that shirt on...

The heart meditation is amazing, beautiful, brings tears to my eyes. I celebrated the autumnal equinox by the river with Dennis, a seeminly wise friend who feels like an old acquaintance. We met at the last Col. Bruce Hampton show at Barleys. His energy is warm, outright, always right on.

I guess I'm just going to go interrupt them now.

pedal POWER!

The library is a flurry of activity on this perfect Sunday afternoon. I woke up on Amy's couch again, unaware of when or how I fell asleep last night, or how I managed to sleep through Oregon Amy's phone call at 2 a.m. I must have been sound asleep, appropriately so after an afternoon of swimming, bloody marys, overworked football fans and excitment sorting through Amy's old supplements.

THERE GOES MY OLD BUS FRIEND! Ahhh those were the days. He and I used to see eachother almost every morning and afternoon through June when I rode the 11 out to Nature's Pantry. He washed cars on Kingston Pike and always smiled at me after he got off the bus, maybe two stops before mine. I finally talked to him, I think on the afternoon I was laid off. The job hunt still continutes, and I have a savings goal now. I'll get there, somehow, through thick and/or thin. I WILL BE IN OREGON come the end of February.

I take pleasure in writing about my morning. Recounting the feeling, sensations with which I welcome a new day; the temperature, my dreams and crazy inclinations. News from the subconscious is best recorded at some point. Hell, everything should be recounted, re-examined and reconfigured for further metaphorical digestion. This, with the hope of LEARNING from our experiences and SPREADING that knowledge, is one of my few goals in life, I guess.

I took one of my earlier posts to heart and decided to post it on craigslist. Link available as soon as its up, although it may be flagged for inappropriate content. Well, that's alright. I feel better anonymously advertising my biker rage against drivers who like honking at me. I mean, it WAS a missed connection. He DID try to make contact with me, albeit from behind his little glass-and-metal safety box, cough, I mean, CAR. I am just so cheery and sunshiney about those encounters...

It seems like a good time to quit my rant, bike along and lube up Ellie. She sounds a little cranky today! HAHA!!!

sunny and slow

I got caught up reading this early this morning upon waking on Miss Wendy's couch. Beacon was in my face, being all nice an catty an stuff after I had some wild dream about athletes ruining the peace of some green hilly community I had been living in. Another vivid, memorable dream; my best tend to occur when I fall asleep after being awake at least once. They're pleasant, usually, and enjoyable.

I was caught up in innarweb multitasking this afternoon at work, which has been one of my slowest to date. Three chat boxes on two different sites; all three conversations were cross country. One in Eugene, one in Portland, one in NOLA. I guess one in West Knoxville, which is far enough away to count as a great distance. I feel indifferent about chatting. While it is not something I really look forward to, it does save my cellphone minutes and increases conversation with close friends. Is it in some breaking down barriers that postpone or delay long distance relationships? I suppose. Too much innarweb is typically, in my mind, always a bad thing.

But at work, as minutes pass by slowly, I look forward to the friendly hello from Amy as she types from the public library in Eugene. It gives me hope that I can maintain connections when I move out there : ) eehehehe...which is less than 160 days away. A really ridiculous measure, I admit, but I enjoy keeping it on the backburner. It fuels more trips to the mountains, fewer visits to the bar, and longer conversations with friends.

Man, shit is REALLY dead on Friday afternoon in the newsroom. Jesus H. Christ...

Stupid Fucks! Get outta your fucking CARS!

Here's to YOU motherfucker, Grand Cherokee Driver, who decided to HONK at me for going straight through a green light after a firetruck whizzed by both of us. THANKS for respecting my rights. I even looked CUTE today, ya fuckin douchebag, ass-hat smarty pants SUV-driving FOOL!!! Thank god other pedestrians saw your foolish face and heard your giant vehicle's external VOICE as you roared behind me.

You make me want to slow down on my bike, in the middle of the lane, so DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS LIKE YOU get more angry. When you run my ass over on accident, I'm going to SUE you and SEND YOU LETTERS every day reminding you of the BIKER you ran OVER.

AAAAAuuuughhhh....

feverish

I can finally see a little bit through the haze.

It's been a slow, slow morning. Amy and I had a marathon afternoon, which of course left me grappling for coffee, water and food this morning. Bad Jane. Beer only makes me feel nothing short of awful. Le sigh.

More hurrying up to wait for jobs that never seem to materialize. The food place has two more weeks till the search closes; I still have yet to land that interview for web stuffs; sister told me about a full-time editing job, but it's about 20 miles away, one way. Still haven't found the ad for it, either, so my resume continues to sit.

I got a new nose ring put in yesterday after mine got stuck in my nose. I attempted to change it out on my lonesome but was unsuccessful; thus, my lovely bartender friend who's also a piercer hooked me up at Saint. He had to use a taper, so my nose is a bit red today. It matches the sunburn I scored wandering around Ijams with Amy yesterday. Took her to the other quarry; can't wait to post photos.

Boooo beeeer,,,,

Sunday Fog

Crazy wind is kicking up dust everywhere, including in my coffee. The coffee house is full, so I'm sitting on the street, mindlessly surfing the Intarweb and posting picutres or something, awaiting Janna's arrival.

This here's hurricane weather.

Melanie and I drove to the Smokies yesterday and hiked to Rainbow Falls. This was following a late, late night on the front porch for Wendy's party, which went off without a hitch and only ended with one broken flower pot. Not so bad, considering. The hike, however, was beautiful. We walked off slight hangovers among various couples who eyed Mel and I with suspicion at first. I think it was the camo shorts. Nothing compared to the reaction we got in Hardees on Chapman Highway on the way out! Jesus Christ you'd think those folks had never seen a girl with short hair before! HAH! It was a rowdy start to the trip.

Also: saw some bears, took lots of photos, available on Picasa; found the lone TCBY in Knoxville, which is out in West Bumble (whoa!!!); watched television; ran into enough people on the Square last night to make it feel like...I went to high school here or something. And I didn't. I've been here for a few days longer than three years.

That's the douchebag who scared me into running into Shane Pack's bike one time in South Knox...idiot. He drives around in his Mustang covertible listening to 80s music as loud as possible.

Can't wait to hear back from that potential job(s). Woooo BOY do I need the money now, especially if my company decides not to give me an advance for what they owe me. Dammit....Willamette...!

I not-so-wisely decided to buy a bottle of tequila last night (limited budget? naaaah...not last night! Hah!) and the fog in my head is just now clearing. Mmmm mmm I have an open week ahead of me, hopefully filled with a new suit and a job interview. Keep yo fingers crossed, please.

Sometimes Mistaken

dop·pel·gäng·er: noun
1: a ghostly counterpart of a living person2 a: double 2a b: alter ego b c: a person who has the same name as another

On a sober(ing?) adventure out last night, I saw an almost-double of a friend out West. This guy had his miniature pony, who looked quite tired and was the size of a large dog, at the bar. Huh. Then someone mistook me for another, apparently short-haired, female at the Pub. This man, who I do know, asked me how I was doing. After I told him about my trip, fascination with that state and future plans, he told me that instead, I should leave the United States.

"Yeah, but I gotta start with the other side of the country first. I'll build up to it."

"But what is there to build up to? You're a wandering soul. I know; I've seen you.

I can prove it."

He wanted to bet me $20 on leaving the country. This is following a very humorous, lame attempt by a groupie selling CDs. He wanted to get to Asheville. I saved my wit. My friend's bill, however, went toward another bet:

"I'll bet you this 20 dollars I have pictures of you from a Garage Deluxe show."

"Where? When?"

"Oh, three and a half years ago."

"But I didn't even live here then."

His face softened a little bit, and he smiled, admitting he had me confused for someone else. I seemed to fit this woman's persona, though, cause he pinned me (or her) as one not too keen on television and a few other telling points.

Our conversation lingered, though, and rambled around my dreams and goals. I'm so uncertain of those. He mentioned our consumer society, and what I was going to "put out there." Writing? Words? Incentives? Lessons? I don't know what I want to prove, accomplish, DO. Live simply. What dream am I chasing though? Must I chase anythign at all?

He apologized afterwards for being so pressing:

"But I just see so much vibrance from you."

Before I left I reminded him of the day we sadly sat inside at the bar and made napkin lists of requirements for a potential suitor. His were hilarious, and I actually came across those very napkins while pilfering through some drawers in my closet last week. It was a sweet conversation, and seeing my friend so tired working the door urged me to move on. Of course that wasn't the end of my adventures last night; I saw some cops chasing what seemed to be a vagrant underneath the viaduct on Gay Street. Sassy Ann's was too crowded to enter, so instead I sat on the porch and listened to Peter while hilarious groups of people waited to get inside. The evening wore on me though, and I slowly rode home, and as always, wished I had walked instead of riding.

The train dreams continued last night, though. This time I was crossing tracks that were at least 10 wide. I didn't make it though, and a train was roaring past. I laid down in the middle of a track, thinking the train might go over me. It stopped, right in front of me, which I couldn't believe. Much scarier than losing my luggage.

It's been a peaceful day. Melanie and I listened to Todd Steed & the Suns of Phere at WDVX, where I reminisced about travelling, being lost and giving up to lay in gardens and parks. I'm awaiting a call from a fantastic job opportunity, my new backpack and exercising before work.

"Let's toast to right here."

Bouncing Around

The chaos is just starting...but it is a beautiful chaos. Opportunities laid in front of me that I never dreamed possible.

I interviewed with a staffing solutions company this morning that specializes in IT hires. I couldn't believe the company for which they want me to work! Now I'm just waiting to hear back after sending an updated resume. Hopefully I'll have another interview within the company itself, which (hint hint!) is very connected to the one for which I already work.

I AM SO TICKLED. I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!! Of course, I have yet to actually score this sweet, sweet temp contract job, but the set up! It's so ideal! I don't care if I don't have a day off till December..that would be AMAZING. And it would provide a much-needed boost to my quickly depleting savings account.

I'm swooning with joy.

West Coast, HERE I AM.

There is no slowing down now. One-way flights from Nashville are $147. That can't be beat.

Good energy is shining on me right now. Blessings are flowing freely.

Thank you for putting up with my whining and bitching. Really.

Drink up the South. That shit is 100 proof.

New tunes from the Felice Bros., compliments of Amy, pump through my ear buds at the lovely coffee shop. I'm off to work in a minute, but not without some surfing on the intarweb.

I escaped to Amy's house out in Louisville yesterday, and it was beautiful! We ran around in the woods, watched a storm roll in, discovered a mystery boat tied up to the shore and drank fruity vodka drinks all afternoon. Very peaceful Tuesday, and a repeat incident after a Monday/Tuesday on the lake in Nashville just a week ago.

My sister seems to have caught on to my mission to get rid of my stuff: while out on the lake she moved her chair back into her room. That's fine, but I wonder what other things she wants back. I'd be happy to help her, as it would be one less thing I have to worry about. I need less stuff; I need to give most of mine away! Would you like some stuff? I have a big pile of clothes and lots and lots of bags ready for a new home.

I want to make mix CDs and read and play crossword puzzles till the rain comes back.

Love and fluffy frosting

From Mr. Brezsny, for the week of September 4:
Resilience is a quality that allows you to rise above setbacks and find resources in unexpected places. It's a willful instinct to seek the higher ground and a bigger vision. It's intensely practical, because it shushes the nagging voices in your head that make negative interpretations of your experience, thereby allowing you to act courageously in your own best interests. This is Resilience Week for you, Leo. Call on your dormant reserves.

I'm working on it. Really. Fucking. Hard. Readjusting to home life has been a challenge. Really, it seems like my only challenge. I don't know if this is a good thing or something I failed to see very clearly until now? Either way, I have to deal with it, and I should do it gracefully. Those energies cannot overtake my happiness; rather, I should shower the situation with blessings and good energy, positive light, LOVE.

I'll get there. I'll poison her with love, as a particular friend put it.

Personally (what about that isn't personal!?), I finally made it to the Health Department this morning. If I had kept my earlier appointment in August, I think I would've ended up paying less. As it was, I paid 60 percent of the total, which was around $80. A lot fuckin cheaper than insurance and the cost of a doctor at least. AT LEAST. Meaning "at the minimum" or "in any case." I should use less of those. Refocus on the positive. Like this oh-so-heavently CUPCAKE from Magpies that I just purchased.

MMMMMMM cupcakes...

I proofed some feature in the Community section today about a cupcake business. I guess folks make money that way; at least Magpies does.

Cupcakes make me smile.

Work Stylez

I guess I'm back, new-fangled blogging site. I may even canel my myspace in favor of something so compatible with the (dominating) Google folks. They now know everything about me! Aiyeeee! That is, of course, in favor of giving myself to Mr. Murdoch each and every single day.

I just finished eating a delicious meal of my best attempt at tofu and veggies. I picked up a yellow squash the size of my lower leg yesterday and sacrificed the curvy part to my cast iron this afternoon with a few tips from Wendy. Should last me well into my Monday shift, too. Bosslady has been keeping up the scheduling, so a second part-time job can wait for at least a few more weeks. Thank fuckin christ, too, cause I'm not motivated to do something utterly ridiculous, like work at some call center. The idea crossed my mind on the way out to Ftn. City Pedaler yesterday, but after talking to Janna, it's the type of call center I'd want to give my time to.

But honestly, to whom would I care to give my time?
I've quite enjoyed filtering through my stuff. It feels like the start to a healthy cleanse. Thankfully my sister reminds me of my inner consumer and of how to shut it down. No, I don't need to DRIVE to Target to buy blank CDs; I hardly use blank CDs. Why start now? No, I also don't need cheaper shit at Target because of the mere fact that I would be driving there. It makes sense, always, and it's nice to have a reminder.

I guess this is my first attempt to wean myself from My/Murdochspace. I'll miss the easy connections, but that's what e-mail is good for. Which, for me, is also controlled by Google. So maybe I'm just moving from one platform to another.

In the mean time, check out my PHOTOS from de trip out West! Weeeehah!